Episode 21: The Body is Not an Apology
How body dysmorphia has ruined how I see myself for my entire life.
What I’m Thinking About
⛹🏼♀️Before I get into the nitty gritty of this post, I have to shout out the homie Raven Solomon who won my 2nd Annual March Madness Challenge! Congrats, friend!
Thanks to everyone who participated! Until next year!
*deep sigh* here goes nothing…..
I am finally ready to talk publicly about my issues with Body Dysmorphia and weight loss. In an effort to keep this post somewhat brief, I kept things at a high level. I may or may not follow up and go deeper into what I tweaked in my diet in order to help me lose weight, how I use my dietician as a “food therapist”, among other things. There’s just so much to unpack! If nothing else, there will definitely be a second part on this topic because I convinced my best friend, Germanee, to collaborate with me on a post specifically addressing the psychological effects clothes have on our confidence as it relates to our bodies 💃🏽.
…okay another *deep sigh*….
I think this all started for me during childhood when an immediate family member used to call me fat all the time. They are 7 years older than me, so the bullying was merely that they were immature. What sucks is that I looked up to this person and wanted to do everything they did for a very long time. It took a while for me to realize the impact that their words had on me.
In school, I remember being bullied in the fourth grade for being fat. I was obsessed with this pair of overalls that my mom tried to tell me was too small, but I just had to wear them. As a result, a group of classmates started calling me fat and it never really stopped. I changed schools after this for other reasons, so it no longer mattered, but the damage was done. Back then, I spent my summers with family in Rocky Mount, NC where I was born and we ate EVERYTHING lol. My Grandma Ethel always had cookies on deck and since Rocky Mount is in the country, we often ate fried foods all the time. Despite running around the neighborhood with my brother and cousins, it was not unusual for me to pack a few pounds before I returned to Charlotte for the school year. Given that, my family always made comments about my weight while growing up, which I am sure we can all relate to.
As a result of all of this, I always carried around this notion that I was fat, and for as long as I can remember, I would compare myself to my friends who I thought were slimmer than me. Although I never voiced any of these thoughts, some of those friends thought they were fat, so in my mind, if they thought they were fat and I thought they were slim, then I must be HUGE. Sad, I know.
The first time I ever let go of this notion that I was fat was when I went to try on dresses for the military ball in high school (fun KB fact: I was in the Army JROTC for 4 years and LOVED it lol). I remember being shocked at the sizes I was able to fit in. The realization hit me that I wasn’t fat like I thought. I played three sports that year, and while I wasn’t the best athlete, movement helped me keep my weight off/down.
I feel like when I got to NC State, I was back on the weight rollercoaster. Although there was a lot of walking while on campus, there was also a lot of Chick-fil-A and pizza in the dining halls lol. I don’t know how much weight I gained in undergrad, but due to comments folks made about my weight gain, at some point, I cleaned up my diet and made an effort to exercise more. At some point, one of my classmates started calling me “slim” any time she saw me and I had no idea what she was talking about. Me? Slim? Girl, where?
I wore a form-fitting dress for my undergrad graduation and I wore my graduation robe over it most of the day because I was afraid to let people see me. When I looked back at those photos, I realized that I looked like a baddie and that I had no reason to cover up. I have done this a lot - looked at photos from a time I thought I was “fat” and realized that was silly because I looked really good!
This constant cycle has truly been exhausting. I recognize that it’s psychological and that I should have made it more of a focal point when I was in therapy. I only remember bringing it up once, and it was when I was feeling really good in my body a few years ago. The reality is that how we see ourselves impacts how we show up in the world. I started reading The Body is Not an Apology a few years ago, but I didn’t finish it. I should probably circle back to the book at some point….
The fact that I am posting this publicly and welcoming the conversation speaks volumes about my growth in this area. I have a journal entry from my vacation in December about not feeling great in my body. It’s not the first entry saying that, and it might not be the last. At that point, I had stopped working with my trainer and just wanted to figure out a consistent plan to lose this weight once and for all. I scheduled a session with my dietician for New Year's Eve (crazy I know) because I was determined to enter 2025 with a plan and I wanted to start working to lose 20 pounds before my birthday since I’ll be the big 3-5 this October. I reflect a lot around my birthday and the way I feel about my weight/body going into my birthday has been a constant rollercoaster. I started my wellness plan super early because I wanted to give myself enough time to adjust and see which foods/meal plans worked or did not work over the next 10 months. I also wanted to see what tweaks I needed to make with moving my body. I was hard pressed to find a plan that was sustainable and allows me to have a variety of workouts and not steal the joy out of food.
The journey I am on right now is a direct result of my layoff. I did not have the best habits during that time and as a result, I gained weight and could no longer fit into my clothes comfortably. Getting a trainer and working with a dietician was the first step toward a healthier lifestyle, but due to inconsistencies with my trainer's schedule (and probably mine too), I had to stop working with her. I came into this year committed to working out using the unofficial “Hard Core on the Floor” Peloton strength training calendar, which has a nice balance of upper/lower/full body strength classes, plus core and active recovery/stretching. Following this calendar is mindless since it’s already planned out. All I have to do is figure out what cardio class to add to the workout plan each day. I have followed this calendar a lot in the past and have always skipped the cardio, so to ensure that I added cardio to my workouts this time, I started again with my monthly goal of 50 miles on my Peloton bike. It’s been fun riding with some of my favorite instructors again and remembering why I used to go so hard for Peloton when I first joined the platform.
I was prompted to write this post now because I am feeling great in my body again and I can see the results of my efforts from earlier this year! As of a few weeks ago, I’ve lost 11 pounds since January and likely a lot of inches, because I am already fitting back into my clothes comfortably - which is a huge relief! Before I wrap, I have to shoutout my line sister, Joi. She has kickstarted a health and wellness journey of her own, and has encouraged our entire line to do better. She also indulges me when I am having a good or bad day on this journey. Thank you for being my safe space!
If you can relate to any of this, just know that you are not alone. Living in America is hard with so much mis-information about nutrition, unhealthy additives in our food, a culture that has perpetuated being thin all across our media, among other things. Wherever you are on your wellness journey, I hope that you are being gentle with yourself ✨
Until next time,
Dr. KB
What I’m Reading
Losing Sight by Tati Richardson
Rating: 4/5
Losing Sight is about a woman in her 40s, Tanika, who is in denial about the fact that she needs glasses, except it’s impacting her job since she’s a sportscaster who can no longer see the teleprompter, and ultimately ended up in a car accident because she couldn’t see. Tanika finally went to the eye doctor, who turned out to be the cousin of a close friend. The eye doctor, Gideon, is a widow that actually has a crush on Tanika after first meeting her at his cousins cookout. He dropped the ball when they first met since he wasn’t quite ready to date, but something magical happens when Tanika is picking up her glasses that ended up working out in their favor this time.
This book was so cute with some of my neighborhood spots being mentioned - shoutout to ATL! I enjoyed the story line between Tanika and Gideon, especially since Tanika’s background was in sports. It was a little bit of a slow burn, but not too much.
The “magic” element (if we want to call it that?) threw me off just a tad; however, it was a cute and light romance read. I enjoyed Tati Richardson’s debut novel “The Build Up” and she’s slowly but surely becoming one of my favorite romance authors!
What I’m Watching
Papa’s House on CBS/Paramount+
I can’t believe that CBS cancelled my new favorite family friendly comedy! I’m already a huge Damon Wayans fan, so having a show with him and his son was a nice treat. This promo is a little cheesy, but if you like The Upshaws or Family Reunion on Netflix, you might like this show, too! Shoutout to Essence Atkins (Half & Half) and Wendy Raquel Robinson (The Game/The Steve Harvey Show) for their work in this show, too!
What I’m Vibin’ to
While on this current wellness and weight loss journey, I’ve had “Promises” by Cleo Sol on repeat. Towards the end when she says “I’ve wrote a letter to myself and it was full of promises”. I play it when I am getting bored with my meal plan and workouts. I play it when I have to wake up early to workout before getting a busy day started. I play it when I am excited to workout or eat. I play it when I need to push through to meet my Peloton mile goal. It’s been my 2025 health and wellness theme song as it reminds me of the promises I made to myself at the top of the year!
Bonus Track: Dr. Stacy Sims dropping gems
Quick disclaimer: through sharing this with friends and on IG, I’ve learned that Mel Robbins is a little polarizing. Folks either love or hate her lol. This is not an endorsement of her, but this episode was GREAT to me!
Last week my friend Jovanna posted this podcast episode and the title IMMEDIATELY caught my attention. Mel Robbins sits down with Dr. Stacy Sims to discuss how women should eat and exercise for health, fat loss, and energy. Since I am into all of those things, I started listening the same day she posted it. I was stunned at a lot of what Dr. Sims shared. Some of what she shared I am just learning, and other things I didn’t know.
My new favorite fun fact that she shared is that biologically, women need to eat breakfast in the morning before working out to help lower our cortisol levels!?! Fasted workouts are NOT IT (and neither is interment fasting but I’ll let you listen to find out why). I thought I couldn’t do fasted workouts because I was older, but turns out I can’t do them because that’s not what my body is wired for. Men on the other hand can get away with it (of course). She dropped a lot of other gems but you’ll have to listen to find them out! Def let me know what you think and/or take away from this episode!
Spotify:
Apple Podcasts:
Youtube: